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Tuesday, April 08, 2008

13 Paranoias

Ok, so on LiveJournal there's this community called "Lucky 13" where they basically post a prompt every two weeks or so and you have to make a list of 13 things from that prompt. This week's prompt was "13 Things that Make You Paranoid" Since it's very late at night and I'm having another insomnia week, I thought I'd give it a shot, just for the hell of it. Why not, right? What have I got to lose?

So I present, for your own, enjoyment, amusement, or whatever, 13 things that make me paranoid.

1.) Lightning: I have a horrible fear of lightning. I'm fine with it when I'm inside, but if I have to be outside, even for just a second (like going from the car to the front door) I completely panic. See, back at SYMS, the best and worst two weeks of my summer, my friend Kristjar convinced me to walk back to the dorms with her in this lightning storm. We ended up on the roof of the Memorial Union Building, since it was the only open door, in the middle of the thunder and rain, the lightning perfectly visible in all it's electrical glory. I had a panic attack, one of only two I've ever had, and couldn't move for a good ten minutes or so. Needless to say, I've never been entirely comfortable with it since.

2.) Handwriting: I am absolutely paranoid about my handwriting. If you were to see something I've written in print, it's absolutely perfect. And, I don't really like bragging, though I seem to do it a lot, but really, ask anyone, I have perfect handwriting. I'm not sure where it comes from, but for some reason, I get really paranoid about every letter looking right, being the right height, matching. I'm like that with my cursive too. It's rather sad, actually, thinking about it now. There are so many other things in the world to be paranoid about, and I'm busy flipping out about my handwriting.

3.) Being Watched: Now, you'd think I'd be ok with this, being an actor. I get watched all the time, by audience members, by directors, by costumers, the occasional reviewer, you'd think I'd be used to it. And I am, for the most part, used to it. There are sometimes though, when I'm alone, walking down the street or just sitting around, when I catch myself looking behind me to make sure no one's there. I worry about that a lot when I'm driving too, when I'm alone in the car. I like to sing along to the music I'm playing (come on, you all do it, you know you do) and I always end up frantically checking the backseat to make sure somebody hasn't stowed away or something, and is laughing hysterically at my rather over-dramatic singing. Go figure.

4.) Asking For Things: Ok, so, anyone that knows me, or rather, has known me for a rather long time, is probably grinning slightly at this. I have a terrible time asking people for things. When I was little I used to send people these little notes asking them if I could have a cookie or if I could turn the volume up or something, just so I wouldn't have to ask them personally. I finally grew out of that one, thankfully, though it took me a while. I still try and convince other people to do the asking for me whenever possible, some habits are very hard to crack.

5.) Essays: I got my first C on an English paper today, and I nearly died. Never mind that I failed math last quarter, no, clearly the C on a paper is far, far worse. Apparently I used to too many personal pronouns, gee, I wonder why, considering my usual medium.

6.) Disappointing/Insulting People: I don't know if this has something to do with being an actor, or entertainer or something, but I hate to disappoint people. I aim to please, when I don't, I usually spout off "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry" in about seven different ways and then try to crawl into a hole. I'm sure I disappoint people all the time, I can't make everyone happy, and I don't think I'm very good at it anyway, but it's a paranoia I still can't seem to shake. As for insulting people, or hurting their feelings, unfortunately I think I might do that quite a lot too. I'm somewhat obsessive about being "politically correct" not in the "ZOMG DON'T YOU DARE SAY CHRISTMAS OUTLOUD...TABOOOOO!!!" kind of way, but I really, really don't like insulting people's culture, background, self, or whatever they have to be insulted about. It's another place I tend to say sorry WAY too much.

7.) My Bedroom Door Opening: I'm not sure why this bothers me so much. When I was little I used to be absolutely terrified of someone coming into my room at night. We live extremely close to the railroad tracks, as in the railroad bridge is like half a second from my house, so when the train goes by the house shakes. Sometimes, this means the door opens on it's own accord. When we first moved here, I used to barricade the door shut at night. I used dictionaries, fairytale anthologies, and that big purple doll clothes chest I used to have all stacked up onto each other to hold it shut. Even today, I'm still paranoid about this, not so much the person coming into my room, but just having the door open...I'm not sure why it's so creepy, but it is. I have a latch on my door now, which is good since I nearly killed my two fairy tale anthologies when I was little. You should see them now, all beaten and torn up, often wet. It's a sad state of a affairs, really.

8.) Closed off rooms: Ok, so despite the fact that I hate having my bedroom door open, I am terrified of rooms that have nothing open. In my room the door is closed, but the window is open. Even in the winter, the window is open just a crack, which probably explains why it's always so cold in here. Anything involving rooms that are shut, or locked, or with no way of escape. I'm terrified of not having air, of suffocating.

9.) The Second Floor of My Barn: This one is purely my cousin Miriam's fault. We were sitting up there one night, over the summer, and she was reading me a story she'd been writing at the time, a really sketchy story. Actually no, it was beyond sketchy, it was chilling. Anyway, she was getting to this part about the big scary thing of the story (I'm not going to reveal anymore since I'm not sure if she'd like that) coming up behind someone, this big beam of light, and then there was this body. *shivers* It was much scarier than I'm making it sound, it was an AMAZING story...though I still can't go into the upstairs of my barn at night without being paranoid there's some evil monster behind me. Thanks Miriam, thanks.

10.) College: It's not college itself that scares me, it's getting in. Let's face it, I don't have the best grades, in fact, my grades are actually quite bad. I have nightmares about not getting into college. The idea that college is basically the end-all, be-all of human existence is so drilled into the mind of a high school junior, some take it in their stride while others lag along behind, terrified and falling. That's me.

11.) Being Alone: This one's a rather new one. And I don't mean like the Doctor Who-ish "Last of the Time Lords" kind of alone, or the "I'll never find my true love" kind of alone, it's more just having someone to talk to. I've always been somewhat of a awkward person, from awkward middle-schooler, to awkward high-schooler, I suppose a part of me has always wanted to fit in. I mean, I'm not someone who'll go around going "Look at me, I wear clothes from American Eagle, aren't I cool?" I do embrace my misfit-geekyness. Sometimes though, just a few times, it would be nice to have someone to talk to during Spanish or Economics.

12.) The Bottom of the Pool: Ok, I'm not a germophobe, let's get that down first. I'm not typically one to care if something is messy, a bit gross, or whatever. I don't wander around constantly washing my hands (though I do have a bottle of hand sanitizer when I'm at work, but that's just because we're required to use it since we handle money) or anything. But, what things lie at the bottom of the pool, those old plastic cups I found in that pool in the Turks and Caicos, the peeling paint from the bottom of the town pool, the steadily growing algae in my sister's blue inflatable pool, or even something moving underneath the sand at a lake, for some reason I'm horribly, horribly paranoid about all of this. I don't know. Maybe I just like clear water, who knows.

And last, but most certainly not least:

13.) Being Vain: This is my #1 paranoia. I am absolutely, positively terrified that I'm being vain, that I'm bragging too much, that I talk WAY too much about myself (which, yes, I know I do all the time on this Blog, but you're kind of supposed to) I'm constantly catching myself saying something stupid and vain, constantly second guessing everything I say out loud. It's rather annoying, actually, but if it gets me to break this stupid habit I have of bragging too much, than so be it. Absolutely paranoid.

So that's it. That's my list of paranoias. Granted, I have a few more, I'm a very paranoid person at heart, but then, aren't we all? Try this on yourself, if you ever get horrifically bored very late at night and need something to keep you occupied. It's sort of fun. In a way.

Night all,



Poor Ophelia said...

Is it sad that none of things at all surprise me, Nell?

Punit Matta said...

Mmm, I'm wicked concerned about being vain too. If I don't talk about myself at all, nobody will know anything about me and I might get passed over for things. But if I do talk about myself, I tend to come across as bragging. At least to me. I've never been very objective in that regard.

And I totally see your thing about disappointing/insulting people also.

Anonymous said...

Your welcome. Everyone needs a good dose of sketchiness now and again. The story, mind you, gets even more chilling, but the end leaves you... ok. I wouldn't say satisfied, but you do feel safe.