Well, it's about time.
I was, I promise, going to write a really, ridiculously epic entry for the new year. Like, really, I had it planned! I was a long, brilliant, thought provoking, shiny new entry going through the months of 2008 and stating my general observations. I even did research. It was going to be brilliant, really, I promise.
You see, it all started when I got home from my New Year's excursion to Maine. I was just about to head to the computer when these GIANT FREAKING ALIENS showed up out of nowhere! They were all "take me to your leader, human scum," and I was all, "which leader, the current one or the leader elect?" and they were all, "which ever one we can deliver a message of the destruction of earth to," and I was all "well, the leader elect has better communication skills," and they were all, "sweet, lets go." And that's when I found myself on this epic chase to track down Barack Obama with an entire hoard of aliens, only I didn't want them to get to him, since they were planning on killing the earth and everything. So I partnered with a bunch of human slaves and a few dinosaurs from Future War and together we staged a full-scale rebellion on our alien overlords, which culminated in me having to press a deadly button that would destroy two worlds at once and leave me the last living human being in the galaxy. So, rather than do that, I decided to become a hitchhiker, leave the aliens and the dinosaurs to kill themselves, and find my way back to Earth the old fashioned way.
Needless to say, that took a while. And now I'm here.
THIS TOTALLY HAPPENED.
...well, maybe not.
But the real reason for my lack of available blogging time is exciting!
Rather than acting as a double agent aboard an alien spaceship, I've been at rehearsal. What else is new, right? But! What rehearsal was it? The answer is simple, at first. In December I auditioned for Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat, a show in desperate need of a catchier name, and despite all my misgivings about my singing ability, and my recent rather spectacular collapse in confidence (thank you Wheeler-Smith) I somehow managed to get in. And, not only did I manage to get in, but...
I'M THE NARRATOR!!!!
Well, I'm half the Narrator. As is apparently typical with this show, the role of the narrator has been split in two. But you know, I could care less, because seriously, I'M THE NARRATOR!!! I have wanted this part since I saw the Donny Osmond movie version when I was around seven. My friends remember sitting there watching it with me while I, rather wistfully, said "I would love to play that part someday..." And now...I've got it. It's bizarre, and spectacular, and slightly scary. But...OH MY GOD I'M THE NARRATOR!!!
So, um...needless to say, I've sort of been spending every free moment of my life at rehearsal for that. And studying for midterms. And applying to college. And trying to not fail Spanish.
Oh! And while I'm announcing exciting parts, I also recently got my role in Hamlet. I'm Rosencrantz! As in, like, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern! Not a huge part, but a fun one, so I'm equally as excited about it. I haven't started rehearsals for that yet, so there's not much to report, but I'll keep you posted.
As for the whole New Year thing, it's wierd. January brings me frighteningly closer to my college application deadline, and the closer I get, the more my grades seem to be dropping. It occured to me only minutes after midnight that it was 2009, which I've been told my entire life would be the year I would graduate. It's strange, 2009 was always this sort of mythic year, the year we were told our lives would change, the year my baby sister turns ten, the year our president changes, it was always so far away. And now, here it is. Here I am. A high school senior looking towards college. Nearly 18 years old.
When did that happen?
It's terrifying. I am absolutely, legitametly terrified I won't get into college. My grades are not the greatest, some are decent, and some are very, very bad. I've never been very good at managing time, constantly over-booking myself, constantly out of focus, a procrastinator. This reflects itself in my GPA, which I thought I would bring up this year by not taking any math or science courses, which are typically what bring down my GPA. But, this year has been insane. AP Lit, Advanced Spanish, more enrichment classes than I probably need, combined with a play that nearly killed me and an evil radioactive spider demon for an AP teacher...I just, I haven't had time. For anything. I haven't been able to put all my energy into one specific thing. Everyone around me says "give this your all," but you can't do that when you're trying to do the same thing everywhere else. You end up with pieces of yourself scattered around, half-finished assignments, effort-lacking papers, barely memorized lines, still unfinished applications. A little bit of you is everywhere, but you're never able to stand in one place.
And I can see this effecting me. My acting is suffering, despite the dream role in Joseph, I'm just not feeling it as much. I can't get fully into a part because somewhere, a part of me is still off trying to figure out what leadership qualities I'd bring to Keane State University. I'm simultaneously defining the Buddhist interpretation of the afterlife, memorizing a sonnet, writing a paper on the theme of isolation in the works of Hawthorne, worrying about my GPA, yelling at myself for not doing that Spanish project, trying to learn 28 consecutive colors in perfect sequential order, building an enchanted rose, and somewhere, someone is telling me to give it my all.
Nothing in my life is consistant. Half my SAT scores say I'm decent, my math scores say I'm an idiot. One director thinks I'm great, another one can't remember who I am. I don't know what I am. I don't know if I'm smart, if I'm average, if I'm talented, if I'm mediocre, I don't know. And that scares me, because colleges want people that are exceptional, they want people who are different from the average, people who stand out, and I...I can't even stand in one place.
This year is terrifying. Some fantastic things are happening, but at the same time there's this unbelievable fear hanging over it. This might not be happening. I may not get to leave my home this fall, I may still be in the same place I am now, desperately trying to scrape my way through community college to get to where I want.
It's like It's A Wonderful Life. I may end up like George Baily, perpetually stuck in the same place, watching as everyone he knows gets to go off and see the world, while he remains in Bedford Falls. And, yes, I know the point is that George lived a great life despite this, but...it's not the life I want. I don't know why, it just isn't. And, I'm sure it's just me being young and restless or something, young and stupid, but I don't want to be George Baily.
Everything's so uncertain right now. I have no future, nothing to look towards, nothing to make me excited for the end of high school. And as my grades keep falling, I keep worrying. Even at this moment, I should be finishing comparative religions terms, looking up monologues for my college audition, finding songs, filming a Spanish project, finishing Metamorphosis, and...I don't even know anymore. I just wish I knew where I was going. I wish I could go and do one thing without worrying about seven others as I'm doing it. I wish I could pull it together.
And I started this entry on such a happy note.
I apologize to you, those who read this Blog, for pouring out all my angst unexpectedly like that. And, in general, on this Blog. I should be immensely happy right now, I have a part I've always dreamed of. Thousands of people go through this, millions of teenagers. Everyone gets over-booked, and has too much to think about, and yet...other people seem to handle it fine. Why can't I seem to handle anything?
Again, I'm sorry for the angst. It's been a crazy couple of weeks. Happy New Year everyone, may it be an improvement on the old one.