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Monday, September 17, 2007

Nelly and the Beanstalk

Long ago, in a small village in the land of New Hampshire, there lived a young woman called Nelly. Nelly was a very nice young woman, she was funny, kind, happy, ravishingly beautiful, if I do say so myself, and of course, responsible.

Now Nelly, apart from feeding the chickens and skipping merrily through the fields and such, had one simple little job to do as often as she could. Nelly was a "blogger" which meant that every so often Nelly would have to journey up the stairwell of her large, wooden house and sit in front of her computer to type up a Blog entry. Nelly did this as often as she could, as she knew she had many loyal readers wishing to read her remarkable and wholly insightful thoughts on the universe, until one day, everything changed.

One day Nelly was skipping merrily along, on her way to dutifully write a nice Blog entry for her readers about her lovely vacation with her family (and Bat Boy) and about her first few days at school, when suddenly, out of nowhere, a great, enormous beanstalk grew out of the ground in front of her, blocking the pathway to the computer. Nelly regarded the beanstalk with both fear, awe, and disappointment at this terrible cliche.

"What could this be?" Nelly asked the air, "Why is there a beanstalk trying to block my way? Whatever could this mean?" As she grew closer to the beanstalk, she began to gasp as she realized what it truly was.

"Why this beanstalks made of homework assignments!" cried Nelly with a shock, "it's every homework assignment I've had since the school year began! Here's the debate papers, the Spanish words, the algebra problems, my chemistry lab, my Beowulf report...it's even got that project I did for civics! Golly gee, do you think maybe I should climb it?"

And so Nelly began the long and tediously boring climb up the homework beanstalk. Staying steady through most of the journey, though slipping slightly on the algebra problems, she began to think her prospects were bright for now, as she finally neared the top of the long and winding educational plant. As she stepped off the beanstalk however, she realized she'd suddenly found herself in a place much worse than she could have possible imagined. She heard footsteps.

"FE FI FO FUM!!" A voice shouted from nowhere, "I SMELL THE BLOOD OF AN UNEXPERIENCED DRIVER!!!"

"Oh no!" said Nelly suddenly as the loud footsteps grew closer, "It can't be!" A tall man thundered into the room, large and covered in authoritative looking badges and saftey equipment, he regarded Nelly with as much respect as one would typically give to a safety pin. Feircely as he could, he banged his fist on the table before him.

"I AM THE DRIVER'S ED GIANT!!!" he roared at the top of his lungs, "IT IS I WHO COMMAND YOUR LIFE FOR THE NEXT FIVE WEEKS, IT IS I WHO CONTROL YOUR DRIVING FUTURE!!! NOW KNEEL BEFORE ME AND GIVE ME THE DEFINITION OF A TRAFFIC LIGHT!!!"

"Never!" shouted Nelly back at the giant, but then suddenly found herself surrounded by fierce, gleaming drivers manuals. The manuals surrounded her, till she was trapped inside a cold, hard, driving related prison. "You'll never get away with this!" she shouted from her dungeon.

"OF COURSE I WILL!!!" shouted the giant, "I AM THE DRIVER'S ED GIANT, I REIGN SUPREME OVER ALL OTHER FORMS OF ACTIVITIES, I AM THE FINAL PRIORITY, AND ALL THAT SHALL MATTER IN YOUR LIFE FOR FIVE STRAIGHT WEEKS!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!" And with the sound of the giant's laughter, the homework beanstalk on top of which Nelly was currently standing on, began to collapse beneath her, sending her spiraling down a deep, dark pit of homework, essays, driver's manuals and observation hours.

"NOOOOOO!!!" Nelly shouted helplessly as she spiraled down further, and further into the pit of unfinished work and hours. Then suddenly, almost as suddenly as the tale began, she landed with a thud on her bedroom floor, her laptop sitting directly in front of her. She looked at the date at the bottom of the screen, and realized with a gasp that nearly an entire month had gone by since she was blocked by the terrible beanstalk. "Oh my," she said gasping, "my readers!"

And so, boys and girls, that is the tale of Nelly and the beanstalk, the true reason this blog has not been updated in over a month. The Driver's Ed. part of it is still in the process of being slain, but the beanstalk of homework was eventually destroyed.

The moral of the story? Never decide to audition for a children's theater play at exactly the same time you've got a thousand other things going on. Remember that children, it's definitely a life lesson.

And Nelly, the laptop, and the Driver's Ed giant/instructor all lived relatively decently ever after. The End.



...or is it?

*Nelly*

2 comments:

Ophelia said...

Nelly!! *facepalms* You totally could have told THAT story for your botched audition!!

Nelly The Pretender said...

lol! Looking back, maybe I should have...certainly would have been more interesting than what I did tell...